Well myself and my bro Johnny Z sat down to broaden our horizons a little - It did not end well.
ALERT! ALERT! - Fans of Dario Argento leave now... you will find no pleasure in what lies beneath...
i've never seen a more incomprehensible pile of garbage in my life. Lighting, shot composition and direction were non-existant, acting was horrendous, and the score! My god the score! This movie was a wretched steaming pile... It was utter dogshit! Don't give me any sort of minimal budget, experimental bullshit either - it wasn't experimental, it was the cinematic equivalent of 12 year olds with their Dad's super 8 and a few red and blue lightbulbs throwing crap at a wall until something stuck. The plot was incomprehensible, the film jumped around like a flea on a sinking cocker spaniel. There wasn't even any worthwhile gore... it wasn't experimental, it was amteur night! And i've seen what can be done on a minimal budget with some talent - i've seen student films made on CVHS with 15 dollars and two hours on a linear editing suite that put this thing to crying shame... The end result of my Suspiria experience?
I had to exercise some mad photoshop heal brushing skillz to get the skidmarks out of the crumpled insert after Johnny boy wiped his arse with it... Sure i could have traded this bunk in for a dollar or two (maybe blockbuster might have been stupid enough to give me 5!) but the way i see it - i'm preventing this disc from ever being played again - i'm performing a goddamn public service - i should get a freakin medal!
In other news... to wash the BLARGH out of our mouths following "He that shall not be named", Johnny and i popped in Big Trouble in Little China - classic Carpenter awesomeness - quite possibly the greatest line diliveries in film - ever! Much fun was had, much laughing was done, and much admiration of Kurt Russell's Wayne Gretzky hair and chisled physique (in a purely hetero way of course) did commence... Now if you'll excuse me, i'm off to rule the universe from beyond the grave... or check into a psycho ward... whichever comes first!
"Where there's smoke... there's Steve taking a zippo to a copy of Suspiria!"